


Super Uncomfortable, Thanks for Asking

by Rairechu



Category: Original Work
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Anxiety, Comedic Elements, Emetophilia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, Love, Munchausen by proxy, Original Character(s), Pregnancy, References to Depression, References to Transphobia, Romantic Fluff, Slice of Life, post-VN, rated for later chapters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-09-30 11:39:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17223356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rairechu/pseuds/Rairechu
Summary: A year of marriage and a honeymoon phase later, Jamie and Ashley are two partners who share a love of music through their indie band. Playing gigs is great and all, but Ashley desires something more... something Jamie isn't exactly prepared for.





	1. The Question

_Backyard of butterflies surrounded me_  
_I fell in love with you like bees to honey_  
_Let's up and leave the weeping to the willow tree_  
_And pour our tears in the sea_

* * *

 

* * *

 

The gentle breeze of the oceans salty air was soothing. Waves gently splashing against the side of the medium sized convertible fishing vessel as the wind carried them. Seagulls were vocal overhead, scattered clouds occasionally drifting against the blue sky.

Jamie, a 26 year old young woman with long black hair that had light blue frosted tipped bangs that effortlessly fell in front of her blind right eye accompanied by a gray beanie, turquoise colored left eye and caucasian skin, black snake bite labrets in her bottom lip and a silver septum loop, dressed in her casual summer attire of light blue ripped jeans and a white spaghetti strap top, leaned against the wooden edge of the boat.

It wasn't every day that she found herself at the mercy of the ocean. Quite frankly, she did everything in her power to avoid it as she had a terrifying fear of deep sea life. Only 3% of the entirety of said ocean has even been discovered, who knows what else is lying under there? The girl shut her eyes, doing her best to ignore the intrusive paranoia. As long as she wasn't in the water, then she wouldn't be hurt, right?

"Dad said he's steadied the boat." Ashley's soft voice chimed in, dispelling Jamie's clouded mind. "He's gonna be fishing for a while, so it gives us time to chat." She smiled as she stood next to her wife.

Ashley was a little over a few months older than Jamie, making her 27. She had thin straight tree trunk colored hair with lovely golden bangs that shaped her face nicely, accompanied by a deep emerald headband that had a tiny ladybug cabochon on it, tanned Caucasian skin that was soft to the touch, chocolate brown eyes transparently hidden by frame-less glasses that sat on the bridge of her nose, dressed in a flowy maroon crop top and a long yet breathable silky burgundy skirt that ended at the bend of her knees ending with her black boots that rose up to her shins. At a glance, you'd have no idea that she was a trans woman.

Jamie smiled at her, turning her attention to the horizon. She hated the waves. Hated the ocean. Why did she ever agree to this? She sighed, resting her arms on the rail and picking at the Seaband bracelet on her wrist. Damn thing never worked no matter how tightly she put it on.

"Today's beautiful, isn't it love?" Ashley looked at her wife, taking Jamie's attention away from her bracelet and directing it to her.

"Yeah. Its lovely." Jamie replied, clearing her throat as she glanced at Ashley.

Leaning her head on Jamie's shoulder, she held her hand. Ashley loved everything about Jamie. Well, almost everything. It was the little things she loved, but the big things that made Jamie... well, Jamie, were not so loved. Regardless, she's her wife and she loved her dearly, and it was the quiet times like this that she cherished. Times were it was just the two of them.

"You feeling ok?" Ashley asked her, her thumb lovingly stroking the top of her hand. "You feel a bit clammy."

"I'm fine, honey." Jamie responded, blankly staring at the horizon.

It wasn't that she hated the ocean (ok, maybe it was), it was the dreaded seasickness that wrecked her body when she was on a boat. Hate is an understatement-- she _loathed_ it.  
Traveling was never a friend to Jamie. Ever since she was a child, she got awful travel sickness which prompted her MSBP mother to give her questionable home "remedies" to try and quell it.

Ever since then, the problems with motion just got increasingly worse, but thanks to--and much to her dismay-- modern medicine, she was able to handle traveling to a degree. However, there were limits to how much the medicine can help, and for her, seasickness was just something she'd never be able to rid herself of.

Feeling Ashley's hand on her back, she tensed up from the surprise.

"Did you take your Dramamine?"  
"You know that stuff never works."  
"It does when we go driving."  
"It never works for boats."

Ashley gave her a sad smile. She hated seeing her partner sick, but took solace in it. Seems like the only time Jamie wasn't being an egotistical brat was when she was sick.

"I wonder if..." Ashley started, turning her attention back to the horizon, watching the waves in the distance.

Jamie, hardly being able to pay attention to anything, rubbed her eyes in an attempt to ignore the sight of the waves. It only made the dizziness and nausea worse.

"Huh?"  
"Nothing, just thinking out loud."

Jamie lowered her hands, sitting on her knees and resting her cheek on her arm, the other hanging over the side of the boat and daintily moving the seawater with her fingers.

"You hate the ocean, yet you still touch it." Ashley narrated as she watched her partner's actions.

"You hate me, but we're still married." Jamie replied, giving her a playful smirk.

Ashley rolled her eyes, shoving her lightly and giggling, "Oh stop that! I do not hate you." she stroke Jamie's back with her nails, making her shudder from pleasure. "I love you dearly, you know that sugar pie."

The silence fell to the sounds of the ocean. The beautiful breathtaking majesty of the navy undertow was so hypnotic to Ashley. She was lucky, her father was in the fishing business so she got used to being on the water quickly. She always found the water to be relaxing, the sound of the waves were like a lullaby to her.

"Have you ever thought about kids, Jamie?"

The question caught her completely off guard, making her stop playing with the water and slowly look up at her wife.

"What?"  
"Kids, children?" Ashley spoke, her gaze still out at the horizon. "Have you ever thought about it?"

Jamie stood back up, a bit wobbly on her feet but she leaned against the edge for support. She stared at Ashley, noticing her expression. Ash was so good at expressing herself through words alone that she could never read her face. She was a closed book almost, only opening to worthy eyes.

"I..." Jamie tried to think of a way to reply to her. She hasn't thought about it, she can't lie and say she has.

"You never have, huh." Ashley stated matter-of-factly.

"Can't say that I have. It... Never really crossed my mind as something that would happen to me." She replied.

"Would you want to?" Ashley looked at her. Her expression was the same as earlier, a gentle smile and thoughtful eyes that spoke 'think about it'.

Jamie found herself feeling more queasy, and not from the boat this time. She stared down at the waves, anxiously picking at her bracelet.

"I... I don't know. That's..a big question." She said, her voice a bit shaky. "I don't know how to answer you."

Ashley gave a tiny chuckle, "I know you don't." She took her nervous partner's hand, entwining their fingers.

"I mean, I love kids, but I... Never liked the idea of pregnancy--

"You don't have to get pregnant."

Jamie looked at Ashley, perplexed by her immediate response.

"We can always get a surrogate. Or adopt. Adoption doesn't sound too bad." Her wife said as she gazed at the ocean below. "Taking in a child less fortunate to give them a loving home." Ashley glanced over at her wife

"Ashley..." Jamie started to say before closing her mouth. She knew what to say, but... She didn't know how to say it. "I don't know if... That would be a good idea."

"What do you mean?" Ashley gave her a quizzical look. "Do you not want to adopt?"

"No. No it's just..." Jamie turned away from the horizon, looking up at the sky and taking a deep breath in. "This is a big thing you're asking me here." She said, sheepishly laughing to herself as she stared at the clouds. What she wouldn't give to be one with the birds and fly away from this topic right now.

"I know I'm asking a loaded question, Jay." Ashley spoke, her voice steady with a hint of calmness to it, as if she was sensing Jamie's anxiety. "You don't have to answer right now anyway. This is something that... We both need to think heavily on. We can't just decide on a whim to adopt or have a child just because I've dreamed about it, yeah?" She gave Jamie a smile full of sensibility.

She was right, absolutely. They couldn't jump the shark and bring a child into the world or their lives and expect things to work out. Especially since Jamie herself was... Not even sure about her own feelings on the matter.

Pregnancy was always a concept she tried to avoid to the best of her ability. Mainly due to homophobic pressuring from her mother to get with a decent man so she can have grandkids. The very thought made her sick, worse than the damned sea. She wasn't so much as paranoid about pregnancy as she was afraid of it. She already wasn't good at taking care of herself, how in the world was she supposed to care for herself if she was pregnant? So many things would change.

Even adoption was a huge factor. What if the child puts up a fight? What if they feel reclusive, unloved, or try to rebel? Other than supporting, reassuring and loving them to the best of your ability, there's only so much one can do at that point.

"Ash, look, I--" Jamie started to say before groaning and holding onto the rail. Damn this stupid sickness. She turned herself back to face the horizon, trying to steady the dizzy world around her.

Ashley watched her, feeling guilty for asking such a thing when her wife was sick. Thinking about it, she really didn't know if she wanted this herself. She felt like she was ready. They've put out a couple songs that have gained traction, their little band was getting slowly steadying recognition. It made working easier and brought them closer together. Even in the rough parts in the beginning, their lives were finally somewhat steady.  
They still had to work real jobs, but that didn't stop them from doing what they loved, and that was being together and making music.

She rest her chin in her hands, watching the seagulls fly in the distance. How would things be if they had a child? Their time together would be cut drastically, for one. They would have to take longer breaks in between music, which they were already doing but she digressed, the amount of money was a factor as well since children don't come cheap...

A lot to think about. A lot on her mind. However, unlike her partner, Ashley was better at organizing her thoughts and keeping herself grounded. She had a better idea of what was realistic, what to plan for, what to do in case of surprises that life threw at them. She had been thinking about this ever since they got married. She knew how to plan for it, she knew she was ready. She also knew that Jamie wasn't.

There was a heavy silence that hung over them. Ashley only spoke when her father announced that he was about to head back and told them to stay put. The motion of the moving boat was adding insult to injury at this point, each up and down movement sent a chill down Jamie's spine.

"I'm not against it." Jamie finally spoke, swallowing back an intense nausea spike as she stared out at the fading waves.

Ashley looked over at her, listening intently as Jamie turned towards her. Those turquoise eyes were so beautiful and interesting to Ash. Even though Jamie was blind in one eye, they still had an air of mystery to them. They seemed brooding yet inquisitive-- lost in her own thoughts as it were.  
Where she was a closed book, Jamie was easily an open one and not afraid to show how she was feeling. Definitely the Yin to her Yang... In a reversed way of course. Better yet, the sun and moon.

"I never said I was against it. The idea of having a kid around. I just... Never thought about it."

Ashley could only give an understanding smile, wrapping her arms around her wife's neck.

"I know."

She gently stroked Jamie's hair away from her neck, smiling as she felt her partner shudder from the pleasing touch. She gently gave her neck a kiss before pulling herself away from her. Taking hold of her hand once more, she leaned on her shoulder as she shut her eyes.

"Let's just think about it, yeah?"  
"...Yeah."


	2. Quarrel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NOTE** this chapter contains references to homophobia, slurs, MSBP and religious abuse.  
> \----------
> 
> Example of their singing voices:
> 
> Ashley's voice: https://youtu.be/PIx9kcgGE3g  
> Jamie's voice: https://youtu.be/llz7n7i-Cas

_Never face each other_  
_One bed, different covers_  
_We don’t care anymore_  
_Two hearts still beating_  
_On with different rhythms_  
_Maybe we should let this go._

* * *

* * *

 

Summer went as soon as it came. Now Autumn was beginning and the seasons were beginning to change. The once vibrant emerald leaves now were golden rays of sunsets, each one beautiful in its own way.

Ashley stared at the trees, admiring their beauty from the backyard. She always found Autumn to be the time where things begin to change. Old times go and new beginnings start. Nature slumbers for the inevitable cold that begins to awaken. She thought it was so beautiful.

Fixing up her bandana and rolling the sleeves of her light orange flannel up, she smiled to herself. Jamie was at work and She had the day off. What better way than to spend it tending to her small garden of tomatoes, carrots, basil and parsley?  
Kneeling into the soft grass, she began to till the rich earth. Taking in the smell of October, she hummed to herself.

 _"All I am is a woman,_  
_I want the world in my hands_  
_I hate the beach,_  
_But I stand in California with my toes in the sand..."_

Her voice was soft, untrained and yet on-key. She can't remember the last time she sang, she wasn't the one to be that pushy or assertive. That was Jamie's highlight in their band. Still, Ash loved to sing to herself and on very rare occasions, to Jamie.  
She continued humming, her voice growing softer and more like a whisper as she lovingly tended to her plants.

 _"These hearts adore;_  
_Everyone the other beats hardest for,_  
_Inside this place is warm,_  
_Outside it starts to pour..."_

*******

"I don't know what to do, Sam. She asks me about it every so often, and I... I don't know how to tell her that Im still not sure about it." Jamie admitted to her friend as she lay her head down on the break room table.

Sammy, setting her slurpee down and eating some of her chips, watched and listened to her friend vent.  
Sammy was the same age as Jamie, 26, short straight pixie cut brown hair, naturally pale complexion, hazel eyes and when not in uniform, often wore clothes that spoke volumes about her likes and interests. She was Jay's supervisor as well, obviously to make work easier on both of them.

Being friends since college, the two girls were really close friends. Often working together at Target or texting each other random things at four am. They also opened each other up to venting or ranting about work or home life. Not that there was much to be said for either, but there was always something to talk about. And besides, having someone to listen is better than keeping things inside.

"Well," She finally spoke, "have you been honest with her?"

Jamie lifted her head from her arms and looked at her.

"I mean, Ash is super nice. I highly doubt shed be upset with you if you're honest with her."

Jamie sighed, "I know, I know. But I... Its so weird." She rest her chin in her hands, staring blankly down at the table. "I feel like I... Really want to do this. I want to have a kid, I mean. it hasn't left my mind since she brought it up a while ago. I love the idea of adoption, but at the same time, I want to be able to know what it's like to bring a baby into the world."  
She set her hands down, speaking through hand and arm movements as well, "But at the same time, I'm petrified of it! Mom always said, 'oh Jamie, you'll get pregnant and I'll be the happiest mom ever!' when she'd make me read book after book about how a woman is only put here to make babies and shit! Honestly, how the hell am I supposed to want to experience anything like that?"

The break room was now silent except for the sound of Sammy drinking her slurpee. Luckily, none of their coworkers were around to hear Jamie's heated rant.

Exasperated, she ran her fingers through her hair.

"I really don't know what to do, Sam."

Sammy took a deep breath then exhaled, "It'll come to ya."

"What do you mean?"

"You'll find a way to tell her. You just... You need to tell Ashley how you feel. I know you've spoken to Cam about it."

Jamie groaned. That was a name she didn't want to hear.

"No matter what, I feel like it'll work out. Just be open and honest with her, ok?" She gave her a sympathetic smile. "I'll always be here for you regardless."

Sammy stood up, throwing away her trash and patting Jamie's back before walking out.

Jamie sat there, now all alone and deep in thought. She rubbed her temples, closing her eyes and wishing she could disappear.

*******

"Honey, I know your life hasn't been the best, but--

"She made my childhood hell, Ashley!"

"Jay, your mother made you think that something beautiful is something bad."

"What do you know about it? You say its something beautiful, but what if it isn't?"

"You'd be bringing a whole new life into the world."

"Oh yeah, that's great. Bringing another life into an already overpopulated planet! Great thinking, Ashley! Really beautiful!"

The talk didn't go as planned. As soon as Jamie got home she exploded into a cathartic episode full of delusional paranoia. These were common for Jamie as she had problems controlling her emotions and had a tendency to have outbursts of extreme emotions.  
Ashley knew that getting herself worked up never solved their arguments, especially when Jamie was in a cathartic episode, yet she never hid how much Jamie's words cut her.

Ashley could feel the tears sting her eyes, but she tried to hide it and stay calm. She reached out for Jamie's hand but hesitated as she backed away from her.

"Please honey bee... Just, calm down." She asked pleadingly.

Jamie never wanted this. She hated having these fights, these ugly little episodes where her mind runs through so many scenarios that she can't think straight. Really, she wanted nothing more than to tell Ashley how she felt and yet it all seemed impossible. As if a part of her was horribly paranoid of Ashley leaving her if she told her the truth. Blame that on the BPD.

"You don't understand what it was like, Ashley!" She threw her hands to the sides of her head, staring down at the carpet as she began to spill out memories of abuse. "Having to hear her lecture me about the fucking mystery man God and read me fairy tales from a book that's been rewritten thousands of times! Forcing me to take pills that would help 'cure the gay out of me' when it just fucking sent me to the hospital! And tell me I'll never get anywhere since I'm a disgusting fag a..and..."

Jamie stopped herself, her voice being lost in sobs as tears streamed down her face. She put her face in her hands, crying as the memories of her childhood replayed in her head.

Ashley felt herself beginning to cry. She hated seeing Jamie so upset and being powerless to do anything to help her. Cautiously, she reached out to her wife and held her tightly in her arms. She felt relieved as she felt Jamie reciprocate, hiding her face in her shoulder and letting her cry.

"I'm... So sorry, honey bee." Ashley said, holding back a sob as she rubbed her back. "I'm so sorry."

She pulled herself away, gently wiping the tears from Jamie's face as she cupped her cheeks in her hands. She stared into her eyes, knowing only one could see. She stood on her tip toes, kissing her forehead.

"Look, let's... Let's forget this happened, ok?" Ashley finally said, brushing her hair from her eyes. "I'll make us a nice dinner and we can just... Cuddle and watch some bad B-movies, yeah?" She gave her a smile, hoping it would make her feel a little bit better.

Jamie nodded in agreement, wiping her eyes and clearing her throat as she sniffled.

* * *

 

****

 


	3. Induratized

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Camille's voice is basically Chrissy Costanza.

 

> _Everybody stops, everybody slows  
>  _ _Everybody comes and everybody goes  
>  _ _If you don't know, well, now you're gonna know  
>  _ _'Cuz everybody learns and everybody grows._

* * *

* * *

 

"Classic case of Tokophobia, really. Quite common among young women who've never had a child." Camille spoke as she handed Jamie a cup of coffee, sitting across from her at the table.

Jamie gave her a questionable look, taking a sip of her drink.

"Fear of pregnancy." Camille smiled at her, prideful of her schooling. She placed her index finger on her chin, closing her eyes and restating information she was taught, "More specifically, a fear of childbirth. Considering your upbringing, it isn't surprising that you've been afraid of it." She gave her friend a hearty laugh, leaning back in her seat. "Although, you never seem to shy away from anything! Quite surprising that _this_ is warranted as a fear by you, micina!"

Jamie let out a tired sigh, laying her head down in her crossed arms. Why did she even bother going to Camille for advice? All she did was poke bad jokes at her life and current situation, no matter what it was. Its not like she ever had to deal with this type of fear, so you'd think she would lay off a bit. No, of course not.

Camille was a 29 year old woman, a private CNM offering her assistance to women in the area. She had medium length pink cloud hair; a soft mishmash of pastels with a cow-licked fringe on the left side of her face, bright silver colored eyes, pear-shaped but average for her height with some muscle on her. Not to mention how tall she was, topping at 6'0 even. Her genetics played a major role in her height, but she always found it to be her most endearing quality. Not to mention her cold and distant outward personality due to her own issues when it came to fitting in. Her voice was soft yet abrasive, a hint of italian in her voice when she got angry, having arrived to America when she was only a child. English being her main language, she lost most knowledge of her home tongue save for a couple of words.  
She was also quite the jokester. Literally. It was very rare for her to take anything seriously, namely anything having to do with Jamie since her life was so interestingly messy. It was always worth her time to mess with her and make jabs at her personality. Camille also knew when she had to be serious, and yet it never seemed to be around Jamie.

"Oh c'mon now, kiddo!! I'm teasing ya!" she laughed as she walked over to her.

Jamie coughed from surprise, whimpering from pain as Camille smacked her back playfully.

"Ow..." She spat breathlessly.

"Oh. sorry! Forgot how weak your fragile little body is!" She feigned innocence, once more laughing at her friend's pain in a playful, yet sadistic, manner.

"Cam... Please, I-I'm being serious here." Jamie said as she straightened up, rubbing the sore part of the middle of her back.

"Alright, alright now. Enough of the-- how you say-- tomfoolery." She chuckled before reclaiming the seat across from her. "Tell me, what exactly do you need from me, Jay? How can I help?"

Jamie hesitated for a moment. She knew what she wanted to ask but... This was Camille she was talking to now. Not Sammy or Ashley... Oh hell, what else did she have to lose.

"How do I get rid of it?"  
"Get rid of what?"  
"That toko...t-tooko..."

"Tokophobia?" She found Jamie's ability to pronounce medical words so amusing.

"Yeah."

Camille leaned back in her seat, crossing her arms into her Amber sweater. She looked up at the ceiling as she thought about it.

"Birthing classes are one way. Lots of studying." She looked at Jamie with a smirk. "A lot of it."

"How much are we--

"More than college ever gave you." She smirked.

Jamie groaned, drinking more of her coffee to try and ignore what she just said.

Camille laughed, leaving the room before returning with an incredibly lengthy and heavy book. The title " _What to Expect when You're Expecting_ " printed neatly on the cover followed by some illustrations of pregnant women.

"I also run a volunteer class in the hospital where we teach basic expectations for pregnancy, micia." She said, placing a notebook and pens beside her before sitting closer to her. "I can help you study from this book. We had to read it for support class training." She took Jamie's hand, smiling at her.

Hesitantly, she looked at Camille and saw the gentleness in her eyes. Taking a deep breath in and giving her a smile, she nodded. "Yeah, ok."

Camille gave her a pat on her hand before opening the book, deciding to start with the synopsis and work their way over.

*******

It seemed as if hours had passed since they started reading. From 12 at night from the first note, was now 3 am and six pages into the notebook. Camille didn't seem phased at all from the passage of time, settling for teaching her friend just how much of a not scary thing like pregnancy was. Jamie on the other hand, was wearing thin. Incredibly exhausted from her emotional outburst earlier and now sacrificing her sleeping schedule to research this topic. She was beyond glad she had the next day off.

"The baby seems more like a parasite than anything." Jamie muttered as she read a section about how the mother-to-be would feel exhausted and hungry due to the baby draining her energy.

Camille gave a light chuckle before pointing to the next section. "Maybe to you, micia." her voice wasn't as playful and seemed more or less... somber.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Jamie asked, noticing her usually perky friend was now silent.

Camille looked at her friend and gave her a smile. She seemed... Really hurt. What happened? Did she read something that made her feel bad?

"...Cam?"

"Did you know how much I've wanted this?" She spoke, her voice soft and warm as if she were speaking to a child. "I've dreamt of having a baby, you know. A tiny human to nurture and care for." She looked up at the ceiling, taking her eyes away from the book.

Jamie listened, unaware of what she was talking about, but willing to hear her out.

"When I was 22, I... had to have a Hysterectomy because of Uterine cancer." She finally said with a heavy sigh. Yet, she smiled and looked over at Jamie who seemed taken aback. "The genetics in my family have never been kind to us, micia. I just so happened to be... well, unlucky. For lack of a better word. Well, lucky because we caught the cancer just in time but it came with a cost." She twirls the pencil in her fingers absentmindedly.

"C...Camille..." She began to say but bit her lip. How do you respond to something like this? Its something she never knew about her friend, and being told this now... She couldn't even imagine that. Honestly, she didn't even know where to begin with her words. Her friend had cancer? Sure, she didn't know her at the time, but still... this was one of her closest friends. She couldn't help but worry.

"So you see, I figured that I would help women by being a midwife." She turned her attention back to the book. "Even if it is much more different than what I was previously studying, I would still want to use my knowledge to help people. Women specifically." She looked over at Jamie, the sadness in her eyes now replaced with a thoughtful comfort. "People like you, Jay."

Jamie felt her face blush from the reference, looking away and rubbing her arm nervously.

"C'mon Cam..."

"No, really, hear me out," she turned to her friend, placing her hands on her shoulders and staring at her eye-to-eye. "If you do end up feeling better from our little study session, and if you and Ashley want this," she moved her hands down to Jamie's stomach, giving her a warm smile. "I'll do whatever I can to make it happen, okay?"

Feeling her friend's hands placed on her abdomen in such a caring yet protective way made her feel... Very weird. Almost excited. What was a horrible gut wrenching fear was now beginning to melt into something that really may improve her outlook on her own life. Not to mention, maybe... Maybe it would be nice to bring a new life into the world... Just like Ashley said.

She couldn't help be smile, lunging herself at her friend and hugging her tightly. Camille gave a chuckle, returning the favor.

"You know what they say though-- you've got to come one on one with your fears in order to face them." She pulled away from her, smiling warmly at her friend. "Maybe this is an opportunity for you, micina."

"Yeah... Yeah maybe, maybe it is." Jamie gave her a smile.


	4. Ratio/40%

_And you want to be dressed in poetry_  
_But imagery doesn't fit_  
_And you want resizing_  
_But darling dear, get a grip._

* * *

* * *

 

Telling Ashley about her talk with Camille the following day was nerve wracking. She didn't know how to bring up the situation. Instead, while they were about to go to sleep, Jamie blurt out, "maybe we can try for a baby".

Ashley almost spit out her water, choking and coughing on it as she sat on her side of the bed as she immediately turned her attention to her wife.

"What?"

Jamie anxiously played with the blankets in her hands, blankly staring down at them. "You uh... heard me."

"I did but... I thought you were afraid of it, Jay. A-at least you were last week..." Ashley sat on her knees, her eyes locked on Jamie with curiosity. "What changed?"

"W-Well I... uh... Cam and I had a talk and... she..." she sighed heavily, "You know how she is with stuff like this. She... helped me realize what exactly I was afraid of and uh... how to overcome it."

"So you," Ash took Jamie's hand tightly, "You seriously want to try for a child?"

Jamie gave her a look before letting out a shaky breath, "Y-Yeah... why not?"

What followed were many tears of happiness as Ashley cuddled her wife. She straightened herself, positioned on top of her torso.

"We can go to the fertility clinic next week since we both have off!" Ashley squealed with excitement, "oh this is wonderful news, honey bee!!" She gently placed kisses on her wife's forehead, running her fingers through her hair.

"Aw, babe it isn't such a big deal~." Jamie muttered, nuzzling her face into her wife's warm neck.

"It is a very big deal to me, Jay! We're going to be parents, oh wow..." She cupped Jamie's cheeks in her hands, kissing her passionately as she was overcome with emotion.

Jamie put up little resistance, sitting up in a more comfortable position and pulling Ashley closer to her. She kissed her back, her nails tracing the curvature of her spine as they kissed.

Breathless, Ashley pulled herself away so they could both breathe. She smiled at her, running her fingers through her hair. She nestled down, resting her head against Jamie's chest.

*******

In Vitro Fertilization wasn't all it was caked up to be. Three IVF cycles. Three trips to the clinic. Three times she's had to sit uncomfortably as the specialists did what they had to do. Three times she had to sleep the rest of the day away due to the pain of it all. If it wasn't for Ashley's support, she would've stopped the first time.

Jamie tiredly stared at herself in the mirror as she paced back and forth. She was so worried. Anxious, sick, afraid, pretty much any and all feelings associated with unease weighed heavy on her heart.

That was two minutes.

She stopped pacing and took the pregnancy test in her hand, tightly closing her eyes as she begged to whatever imaginary being was out there to give them just one stroke of luck. Anything.

_Please don't let it be another..._

_Anything but another one. Please._

She opened her eyes and looked at the results. Her hopes being crushed once more as she stared down at the single blue line.

**_Negative._ **

 

"Well? Anything? Any luck?" Ashley asked, clasping her hands together hopefully.

Opening the door, she tried her hardest not to start crying. She showed her wife the test, tossing it in the trash as she heard Ashley sigh.

"Another one?" She asked, watching Jamie as she could feel her hurt in her movements.

"That's the third test in a row." Jamie responded, laying down on the bed and pulling her legs up close to herself.

Ashley sat besides her, looking down.

"Well... We can just keep--

"I'm tired of trying, Ash." She interrupted her. She did her best to hide the tears that started to swell up, pulling her pillow closer to her. "I don't get it..."

Ashley watched as her wife sat up, tears falling from her tired eyes.

"Is it just not working? Am I infertile or something?? Or am I just so messed up that I can't even make a baby right?" She started to raise her voice, not caring at all that she was choking on sobs.

"Jay, don't say that!" Ashley said, taking her wife's hands. "You're not infertile! They said so at the clinic, you're more than capable of being able to carry a baby. It just--

"Then why," Jamie interrupted her again, staring into Ashley's eyes as if she was desperately asking to answers, "why is it taking so long? Why can't my stupid body just take it and make a baby?"

"Honey, it isn't as simple as you think it is." Ashley did her best to pay no mind to her own heartbreak. They didn't know it would be this difficult. Had no idea. She wrapped Jamie in a tight hug, holding her.

"The clinicians, and even Camille, said that by the fourth cycle there's a higher percentage." She spoke calmly to her wife, doing her best to console her.

"I'm so tired of being in pain, Ash..." Jamie muttered, keeping her face buried into her shoulder.

"I know, baby, I know." Ashley lovingly ran her fingers through her hair. "Look, let's... Can we please just... Try once more? Last time. If it doesn't work then we can look for a surrogate, ok?" She stroked her bangs from her face, gently wiping away the tears that slid down her face.

What more did she have to lose, really. What more was there to lose? It was worth at least a final shot.

"Alright... Alright, ok. Call and make the appointment." Jamie agreed, wiping her eyes.

*******

The weeks after their final attempt were full of sadness. Another negative from the last test Jamie bought. That was it. She was done trying. Obviously she wasn't meant to enjoy something like pregnancy. Why even bother with any of it anymore. It was funny though. Always being afraid of something and then pining for it like a child...ha.

They hadn't put in the papers for surrogacy or adoption yet, deciding to let this pain of IVF not working to pass before doing anything else relating to babies. Ashley respected her decision, opting to try and look positively for their other two options. At least her hope wasn't dashed.

She slowly opened her eyes, squinting at the cracked bathroom door that had the light on inside. Putting her glasses on, she felt Jamie's side of the bed and noticed she wasn't there.

"Jay honey?" Ashley slowly opened their bathroom door, tiredly yawning, "are you ok?"

Jamie, holding her hair away from her face with her elbows resting on the rim of the toilet, glanced back at her.

"Uh-huh." Her voice sounded strained as she dry heaved, groaning in annoyance. "S...sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." She said softly, trying to keep herself from vomiting.

The sound of her wife being sick made her fully alert, finally seeing her hunched over the toilet.

"Oh no, are you ok? What happened?" She walked in, holding her hair back for her.

Jamie hesitated to speak, shaking her head slightly, feeling a sharp spike of nausea rise up from her stomach. She gagged, saliva and regurgitated water spilling into the toilet.

"Are you sick? Like, stomach flu sick?" She asked, lovingly putting her long hair up for her.

"I-I don't know..." She stammered, trying to catch her breath as she felt her stomach cramp up once more. "Ugh, g-god..." She wrapped her arm around her stomach, weakly flushing the toilet and sitting with her back against the wall.

Ashley worriedly watched her, trying to think of anything that could've made her sick. She seemed unusually pale and the way she had her arms wrapped around her stomach made her think she was in pain.

"Hold on a minute ok?" Ashley said as she got up, grabbing her phone and calling Camille.

Jamie wasn't even paying attention to their conversation. She was more preoccupied with the harsh cramps pulsating in her lower abdomen. She bit her lip, trying not to cry out in pain. What a great way to spend the night: puking at 2 in the morning in unbelievable stomach pain. She waited until the pain reached a low point, balancing herself on the bathroom counter with her hand still clutching her stomach.

"Babe, get dressed. We're going to Cam's. She wants to see you." Ashley said as she threw a light jacket and some flip flops on, her cute fuzzy pink pj pants still apart of her quality ensemble.

"I don't want to go anywhere." Jamie groaned, turning to face her wife. Luckily, she was already wearing some pants and a long sleeve shirt so she didn't really need to get ready. Well, other than slip some shoes on. "T-tell her to come over here."

"She said she can't because all of her stuff is at her place."  
"She can't just bring it?"  
"She said it would be easier to bring you to her."

Jamie groaned, trying to fix her messy hair and fumbling with her ponytail until it lay the way she wanted. Sluggishly, she stumbled out of the bathroom, slipped her converse on, and they left.


	5. Planned Fortuity

> _The spies have come for your arrest_  
>  _Tongue-tied with the curse from your lips_  
>  _And don't you say what you'll regret_  
>  _Don't crucify what's nailed above my head._

* * *

 

* * *

 

"Well lookee here." Camille said, taking the thermometer out of Jamie's mouth. "99.8. A bit of a low-grade fever, hm?" She watched as Jamie glared at her, smiling sadistically  as she teased her.

"She really looks bad, I don't know what's wrong, Cam." Ashley said, watching as Camille helped Jamie lay down on her bed and making her as comfortable as possible.

"Don't worry, short-stuff~. I'll do a quick physical exam and see what's wrong with her. Maybe we won't need to use any needles." She laughed as Jamie glared at her.

Ashley sat in the chair Camille brought in for her, watching with worry as she did what she was trained to do.

Camille did the things she normally would with any other patient: taking blood pressure, checking her temperature, reflexes and all that, but when she moved her hands to do an abdominal exam, Jamie sat up and scooted back.

"Uh-uh. No. I.. I don't want anyone touching my stomach right now." She protested, pulling her knees up to her chest.

Smirking, Camille crossed her arms. "Ohhhh I see, I see." She put her stethoscope around her neck. "You know I have to do an abdominal exam, Jay. Gotta make sure those lovely little innards are contact~." She said in a sing-song voice.

That was the last thing Jamie wanted to think about, tightly shutting her eyes as she felt the familiar feeling of queasiness in her belly.  
She hated hated _hated_ having her stomach touched. Especially when she was sick. Again, from trauma from her mother. As a child, her mother always tried to make her sick by squeezing her little belly until she threw up and pretended that she was ill. Only to take her to the hospital and be told there was nothing wrong. Ever since then, the very feeling of being nauseous and someone touching her midsection was a one-way ticket to vomiting.

"Cam, please." Ashley spoke up. "I'm really worried."

"I can't do anything until miss pukes-a-lot lays back down." She looked back at Ashley, still having that iconic grin.

"Jamie, please honey."

"I can't. You know I don't like it when people touch my stomach when I don't feel well!" She crossed her arms defensively.

Ashley got up and walked over to her wife, staring at her completely exhausted. "Honey bee... Please. Just do what she says."

Jamie looked at just how exhausted Ashley was and for a second she questioned if she looked that tired. Sighing in irritation and defeat, she moved her legs away from her chest, hesitantly laying back down.

"There, now that wasn't so hard!" Camille said as she pat Jamie's leg. "Just stay still. Tell me if I hurt you, ok?" she gave her a kind smile to which Jamie nodded.

Carefully, Camille placed her hands on Jamie's midsection. She tried to focus on why her muscles felt so tensed up, and slowly moved her hands down further to where her uterus was.

"Ow! T-too hard!" Jamie shot up, looking panicked as Ashley took her hand.

Instinctively, she yanked her hands away. "Sorry, sorry. Didn't mean to cause any harm." She placed her hands back on her lower abdomen, feeling for any abnormalities.

"Ugh please... Please tell me you're almost done..." Jamie begged, her eyes screwed shut so she wouldn't panic over her stomach being touched.

"Almost."

Ashley raised an eyebrow at Camille. Why was she focusing so much on her lower belly? It was her stomach that was bothering her, it wasn't like she was--

"When was your last menstrual cycle?" She finally asked, pulling her hands away and placing her thumb and index finger on her chin in a brainstorming manner.

"Uh..." Jamie opened her eyes, trying to remember. "Uh... I don't know... Before we did that final in vitro cycle."

"I see... One moment." Camille replied, seeming to have an idea as she sprinted out of the bedroom and down the stairs.

"...Cam scares me. I wanna go home." Jamie muttered as she leaned into Ashley's chest.

She gave a light chuckle, gently resting her cheek against her head. Rubbing circles on her back, she could tell Jamie was tired. She was resting her eyes as she leaned into her chest. It made her heart flutter as she stroked her hair back. She hoped her wife was ok. That's all she wanted was for her to be alright.

"Back!!" Camille announced, breaking the silence by kicking the bedroom door open, her arms full with an odd looking machine, a vial, and syringe. "Ok, now what I have here," She said as she set the objects down on the bed, giggling to herself as the abrupt movement of the bed woke Jamie from her split second nap, "is a super special, comparatively old device that's hardly ever wrong!" She said proudly.

Jamie and Ashley both stared at the machine, vial. and syringe on the bed. It never ceased to amaze them how Camille got a hold of so much medical supplies. It was almost as if she stole it... Knowing her and how obsessed she is with studying the field of medicine, it didn't come as a surprise if she did.

"Now, Jamie," she started as she put her gloves on and began to take the sterile syringe and put the needle in it. "I'm going to need a blood sample. Gonna give you the most accurate pregnancy test I can give with this baby." She put her hand on the machine and smiled at her.

Jamie gave her a harsh glare. "No. Fucking. Way."

"Oh come onnnn~." She said melodically. "It'll put your mind at easeeee~."

"If you want me to vomit all over your bed then sure, be my guest." Jamie kept her sleeves down, crossing her arms once again.

"Vomit can be cleaned up~. Unlike blood. Much harder to clean off~."

"Guys..." Ashley pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Hey she's the one who's having all of these 'bright ideas'! Not me!" Jamie pointed at Camille.

"Its impolite to point, you know~."

"Jamie, for the love of god, just take the damn test!" Ashley spoke up, giving her wife the look.

It was always when Ashley started to raise her voice that Jamie started to behave. She hated needles. Of course she hated them, why else would Camille offer such a damn thing? Seeing blood was another fear too, not so much as needles but... Ugh... Blood.

"Just get it over with, ok? A-and don't make it hurt." She spoke softly, her voice shaky with fear.

"Of course~." Camille kept her unapologetic grin on her face as she gently moved Ashley to the side and rolled up Jamie's sleeve. "I won't take too much, but if you start feeling dizzy or lightheaded, tell me."

Jamie nodded, closing her eyes. She grit her teeth from the pinch in the bend of her arm, feeling Camille's tight yet carefully steady hand holding her arm still. She did her best to stay calm, trying to think about something-- anything other than what was happening.

"There, done."

Opening her eyes, she blinked and looked down at the cute rabbit designed bandaid on her arm.

"I'd give you a lollipop but I'm not a pediatrician." Cam said with a laugh, turning away and putting the blood into the vial.

She grabbed her machine and walked to the door. "Ok kiddos, hang out in here and make yourselves at home! Should get back to you within the hour!" With that, the door closed.

Ashley looked at Jamie's bandage, kissing it before crawling on the bed next to her. "I'm so tired."

"Maybe we can nap. She won't care that we're in her bed." Jamie lay herself down next to her wife, scooting closer to her and wrapping her arms around her waist.

"You sure?"  
"Yeah, don't worry."

*******

It was well over an hour into Camille's little experiment she was doing. The machine was helping her determine just how much HCG levels Jamie had in her blood, smiling to herself as she finally started to make some progress.

Back in her room however, there weren't any smiles to be had. Only peaceful sleep as the two girls cuddled closely. It wasn't long until their brief moment of peace was interrupted.

Jamie drowsily sat up as she pressed her hand to her mouth, another spike of nausea hitting her hard. She pulled her hand away as it faded, turning her attention to Ashley and urgently shaking her awake.

"Ash... Ash!"

"Mmgh... Huh?" Tiredly, the older girl opened her eyes.

"I-I feel sick." She managed to say before pressing her hand to her mouth and shutting her eyes tightly once more, doing her best to wish it away.

Ashley almost immediately woke up, looking around for something, anything for her to be sick into. Reaching over the side of Camille's bed, she grabbed a small little waste bin and shoved it into her hands. She winced at the sound of her gagging.

Jamie clutched it to her chest, coughing turning into harsh gags.

"I-I have n-nothing left in me, w-what the hell is there to b-bring up..." She asked miserably, dry heaving and clutching her stomach.

"Are you sure that test was negative?" Ashley asked as she moved her hair away from her face.

Weakly, Jamie looked over at her. "Y-yeah. You saw it for yourself." She coughed lightly and hesitated for a moment as this never ending hell of nausea coursed through her veins. Feeling it pass, she set the bin down on the floor and lay back into the pillows.

"I know but..." Ashley took Jamie's hand that was clutching her stomach and held it tightly. "What if the results were wrong? What if you're..."

The two stared at each other, both unsure of what to think or say. They never even thought about that. Sure they did the first few times, but by the fourth cycle, they stopped questioning it. Now that Jamie was actually this sick, it slowly started to piece together.

"Well this is completely normal." Camille spoke as she stood in the doorway, sheets of paper in hand and smiling. "Thanks for at least not hurling on my bed, micina~." She said with a laugh as she walked over to them.

"Cam, what does the test tell us?" Ashley spoke up, not giving them a chance to argue.

Camille's smile widened as she dramatically, and unnecessarily cleared her throat and shook out the papers as if she were reading the news.

"Well first off, from the results of my super accurate pregnancy test thingamajig I have down in the basement," she began as she read them, "Jamie, you're not sick, you don't have a flu, and you certainly aren't dying. You miiiight wish you would be however!" She laughed to herself before regaining her composure and giving the two girls a bright smile, this time it seemed more real. Almost as if she was going to cry. "You're approximately six and a half weeks into your first trimester! Congratulations, you're pregnant!"

The girl's eyes widened at the news, Jamie sat up and simply stared at her. Ashley covered her mouth from the shock as tears welled up in her eyes.

"No way... Really?!" Ashley asked as she took the papers from Camille, reading the results for herself.

"All there at the bottom, Ash~." Camille replied as she pointed it out to her. She turned her attention to Jamie and wrapped her in one of those Cam specific bear hugs she saved for only the closest of friends.

Jamie sat there in shock, not sure if she was even willing to believe it or not. Part of her was overjoyed yet another part of her felt sicker than ever. Regardless, she hugged her back.

"Look Jay!" Ashley said through happy tears as she handed her the paper. "It worked! It actually worked!!"

Jamie read through the papers carefully, rereading it over and over to make sure she wasn't being lied to. That these results were completely positive and not erroneous. This was real. It was really real.

"I... I don't know what to say..." She said in a state of disbelief.

Lowering the papers, she looked at Ashley who threw her arms around her neck and squealed with joy.

"Oh my god!! You're pregnant, you're seriously pregnant! Oh gosh...!" Ashley stared into her eyes, in just as much shock as Jamie was. Tenderly, she lifted Jamie's shirt and felt her belly, making her face flush red.

"Now, she won't be showing in her first trimester." Camille spoke as she sat down.

"I know, it just... Wow!" She spoke softly as she looked up at Jamie. "There's a baby in here, Jay. Our baby."

"Embryo. Not even a fetus yet." Camille corrected.

"Whatever!! Same thing!" Ashley happily laughed. She pulled Jamie's shirt back down and kissed her lips.

This was it.

No going back now.


	6. Kinetosis

> _Now floating up and down  
> _ _I spin, colliding into sound  
> _ _Like whales beneath me diving down  
> _ _I'm sinking to the bottom of my  
> _ _Everything that freaks me out  
> _ _The lighthouse beam has just run out  
> _ _I'm cold as cold as cold can be_

* * *

* * *

 

The weeks after the news were quite emotional, every human emotion ranging from excitement to astonishment to anxiety were all over the place. Not to mention feeling the effects and strains of pregnancy playing more and more of a role in their lives. It wasn't without its ups and downs to say the least-- what with morning sickness, fatigue, cramps and mood swings about. All it took was a reminder from Ashley that it will be worth it in the end to put Jamie's mind at ease.

"So have you guys decided on a name yet?" Sammy asked as she helped Jamie stock some items high above the shelves.

"Not really." Jamie responded, putting some cans on the bottom shelf besides her friend. "We don't even know if it'll be a boy or a girl."

"Have you spoken to Cam? She can help you with an appointment for an ultrasound."

"It hasn't crossed my mind."

Silence fell between the two girls. Despite the complete disinterest in Jamie's voice and the exhaustion weighed in her movements, she was happy. Well, as happy as a pregnancy chick in her 13th week can be. She still wasn't used to the random fatigue spells, or the fact that her favorite foods made her horribly sick now, and most of her clothes were starting to feel tight. Really, it was all a lot to handle to her. A bit too much. which resulted in frequent spats with poor Ashley as Jay's mood swings were pretty much in control of her life at this point.

Sighing heavily, she stood up and tossed the empty box onto the pallet. She pulled her red uniform shirt down the best she could. It still fits, but considering that she was 13 weeks in, she was starting to show and it was obvious that it wasn't just flabby weight anymore.

"Sorry, didn't mean to sound like a bitch." She muttered, scanning the shelves to make sure they looked decent at least.

"You're fine, I understand." Sammy replied as she climbed off the ladder and started breaking down the boxes. "I hope it didn't seem like I was being pushy..."

"No! Not at all," She immediately said as she walked over to her friend, helping her break down some of the boxes, "I'm just... Super tired. Kinda ready to go home and sleep."

"Did you get any sleep at all last night?' She asked as she downstacked the empty boxes.

"Barely. You'd think the whole 'oh the baby didn't like what you ate for dinner, time to spend three hours hunched over the toilet all night' thing would be gone by now." Her voice irritated as she tossed and empty box onto the pile, crossing her arms.

"Geez, still?"  
"Yeah. Cam says it comes and goes and gets lesser as the weeks go by, but-- ugh..."

Jamie stopped herself, feeling her stomach cramp up and making her wrap her arm around her belly. She steadied herself on Sammy's shoulder and tried to take some steady breaths.

"Oh man... This hurts so bad..."

Sammy glanced in her direction, turning to face her as she set the flattened box on the pallet. "Yeah, carrying a tiny human in ya will do that." She watched Jamie work, studying her movements. She really did look tired...

"Why don't ya go home? I can handle the rest." She offered, helping Jamie balance as she wavered from the pain.

"No way! I can help out still, I just--  
Jamie cut herself off, biting her lip from the cramping in her midsection.

"You're pregnant, Jay. You have to be more careful with what you do." Sammy said, helping her straighten up.

She hated that. Absolutely hated it. It shouldn't matter that she was pregnant, she still wanted to do everything she was used to doing. She still wanted to work like nothing was wrong, still wanted to help out around the house, still wanted to do everything that made her feel productive. Not... A bother on everyone.  
Even though she knew better than to think that way, she couldn't help those intrusive thoughts being hammered into her skull. The thoughts of 'you're not helping anyone by sleeping all day' and 'you really can't do anything because you're too lazy' seemed to play on repeat in her head. It just kept reminding her of her mother. All the toxic things she was told because of her worsening depression, the delusions from being over medicated at such a young age, her hatred for herself because she was gay...

"Uh... Jamie..? Are you ok?"

Sammy's voice snapped her out her trance, giving her a slightly worried smile, "you were spacing out a bit."

"Yeah, I'm... I'm ok..." Jamie said with a shaky breath, trying to get a grip on her emotions. Now was not the time to slip into a cathartic episode. "I think I'm gonna head home... I'm really just..."

"Tired?"  
"Yeah."

"Okay, I'll let the shift manager know."Sammy gave her a grin, gently patting her back.

"Thanks Sam, I appreciate it." She gave her a halfhearted smile before heading off to grab her belongings.

*******

"Still blows my mind that you're gonna be parents." Camille said as she walked on the sidewalk next to Ashley.

"Yeah. I won't lie, I'm kind of nervous about it..."

"Who wouldn't be, short-stuff?" She took an inhale of her vape pen, blowing the vapor out as she spoke, "Bringing a baby into the world isn't easy. Being a parent isn't any easier."

Ashley stuffed her hands in her maroon hoodie, thinking about what Cam was telling her.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm very glad to hear that Jay is pregnant, but I mean..." She let out a little chuckle, "She isn't the brightest crayon in the coloring box."

Ashley glanced over at Cam, raising an eyebrow.

"What do you mean?"

"She's a little firecracker of a girl, Ash. One wrong word and she'll go 'kaboom!' with emotion!" She enunciated melodramatically. "By that logic though, she most definitely would be brighter than all of the other crayons... In her own unique way."

Ashley let out a laugh, playfully shoving Cam. "Oh c'mon! She's not that bad with her emotions!"

"Oh dear sweet naive Ashley. You're way too trusting of her little facades~."

"...What's that supposed to mean?"

"Knowing what I know about her issues, you start to become more aware of warning signs."

"I don't think I follow."

Cam looked at the sky, trying to find a way to explain it to her.

"Okay, think of it this way," she started, "you know how dismissive people get with their emotions? Usually they won't open up easily for fear of being hurt or ostracized." She took a deep inhale and blew the vapor out.

"Does she do that?"

"Now yer gettin' it!" Cam said with a snarky tone, poking Ashley's cheek.

Ignoring her gesture, she stopped walking and looked up at her friend, almost worried.  
"She should be open with me, right? I mean, we've been together so long..."

"That's the thing; people with depression tend to put in a face for others to hide the fact that they're hurting a lot on the inside."

"But she would /tell/ me if that was the case, right, Cam?"

Camille laughed before checking her watch.

"She would, yes, but sometimes the truth has to be coaxed out of her." Cam smiled at her. "Get it?"

Coaxed out? Facades? None of these seemed to be making any sense. Jamie had some emotional problems, but she wasn't always that way... Sometimes. She didn't hide from her, rather it was the exact opposite. Emotional outbursts were more common to Jamie than hiding, basically a closed mind with an open mouth.

"Yeah, now I think I get it..."

"All I'm saying is to keep an eye on her. Pregnancy can be a scary thing, especially since she's still trying to get over her phobia of it."

"Thanks." Ashley gave her friend a smile. She didn't understand why she was thanking her, but it just seemed like the right thing to say.

"Don't mention it."

*******

Hours after Camille left, Ashley was stuck in her mind. She was not only confused at what her friend told her, but she was also worried about Jamie. What if this entire time she was putting on a face? What if she was actually dealing with a lot in her head but she wasn't speaking about it? She knew better than to listen to the 'what ifs', but when they're playing on an endless repetition, it gets hard to tune them out.

Heavily sighing, she grabbed her guitar and began to strum some chords. Not in any particular order, but just what felt right to her. Music was always able to clear her weighed mind, helping her think more clearly. It truly was her own form of therapy.  
As she absentmindedly strummed some notes, she began to hum a song. One she forgot a long time ago.

"Ba da ba ba bada ba ba da..." the notes came to her naturally. "I got a little bit of love, and a little bit of that, and it's all I have to give." The words came to her as if it were second nature. "This time I'll try not to show, whoa, that I am not letting go..."

Her voice locked up and she stopped playing as she heard the front door unlock, breathing a sigh of relief to see her Jamie walk in.

"Welcome home, honey bee." Ashley spoke as she heard the front door open. She set her guitar down and gave Jamie a soft grin.

Hardly able to get her bearings as she walked in, she tossed her car keys on the coffee table as she sprinted to the bathroom. She swiftly held her hair back just in time as she retched harshly, vomit spilling from her lips into the porcelain throne.  
Groaning miserably, she grabbed the edge of the sink and coughed as she wrapped her free arm tightly around her stomach.

"You ok?" Ashley's tender voice came from the doorway. She held her wife's hair back for her and helped her to her knees, trying to help her get comfortable. "This is just because you're pregnant, right? L-like, nothing is wrong with the baby, right?"

Jamie couldn't speak, opting instead to weakly shake her head and lay her arms on the rim of the toilet bowl, resting her head on them as she dry heaved.

Why wasn't she responding to her? Was something wrong? What if she wasn't telling her something?

"Do you need me to call Camille? You sound awful..."

Still not being able to respond to Ash, Jamie tried to get her breathing under control.

"B-because, if you are sick, Cam did tell us to call her so she can give you a check up a-and..."

"Ash," she finally said with a breathless voice, "I'm fine." Jamie finally replied, her voice scratchy and miserable.

"Are you sure? You don't sound fine. Y-you know, if something is wrong, you can tell me. I'm always here, always. You know that, right?"

Jamie looked over at her, completely exhausted and a little confused. Why was she acting like this? It was so uncharacteristic of Ashley to constantly remind her of something she already knew.

Ashley blinked a few times, biting her lip and looking away. What the hell was she thinking? Pestering her wife with constant unprecedented reassurance. It was like her voice had a mind of its own.  
Her train of thought derailed as she felt Jamie take her hand.

"Ashley, I'm fine." She tiredly stared into her brown eyes. "I'm just a bit sick from the drive, but I'm ok. If there was something wrong, I'd tell you. I promise."

Ashley let out a sigh, smiling slightly as she wrapped her arms around Jamie's waist.

"I'm sorry. I know I worry too much."

"Rather you worry too much than not at all, ya know?" Jamie leaned into her arms.

"Yeah, you're right."

*******

Stepping out of the bathroom after a hot shower was always a great feeling. It was enough to put anyone at ease no matter their mood beforehand.  
Jamie threw her damp hair up into a ponytail as she walked out. Hearing Ashley playing her guitar was like a lovely little nuance to the afternoon.

"Where did you learn this song?" Jamie asked as she lay on her stomach carefully on one of their beanbags. Honestly, one of their best twenty buck investments. Super comfortable and supportive on your back.

"I'm not sure. It's a new one I'm making up." Ashley replied as she relaxed into her beanbag chair. She slightly turned to Jamie, grinning. "Its ah... A song for the baby, actually. Care to help me with the lyrics, honey bee?"

"Oh! Uh... if I can think of any!" Jamie smiled as she tried to ignore the fluttery feeling in her chest, she was reaching for her pen and journal besides Ashley. It felt like forever since they had time together like this. Just them and their music.

"I thought of a few words already," Ashley felt her cheeks go red, butterflies in her stomach as she knew exactly how to approach this, "if you'd like to go off of them."

Jamie clicked her pen and listened to her wife. She was always up for a chance to hear her singing voice since she never sang often. It was always a rare little treat. "Of course, go ahead~."

Softly and delicately, Ash began to strum the beginning notes to the song.

"I know that she barely knows me,  
And I'm faking love with her..." Ashley says softly as she begins chiming to her guitar's chords.

To Jamie, the notes weren't matching anything she wrote down. She even started to question if Ashley was making a new song to begin with, seeing as she had memorized the notes already.

"I can't think of any lyrics, Ash. Nothing comes to mind when you play that." She muttered, setting her pen down and resting her chin in her hands.

After playing a few of the same chords, Ashley smiles at her wife before closing her eyes and strumming a gentle tune.

"It's like I'm singing karaoke  
And I forgot the second verse," she began singing, her voice passionate, "But I can make up my own words."

Jamie looked up at her, re-positioning herself to sit properly on her beanbag chair. She felt her face go red at her partner's singing voice. She had the voice of an angel that only saved this gift for someone most trusted. She felt so lucky to hear it.

Ashley gazed over at her, turning her guitar to face Jay as she continued.

"Oh Dakota, I know our love is new; I barely know ya," she closes her eyes, strumming the tune flawlessly as her voice gained more and more intensity and rhythm to the song, "I'm falling over you. It's the way you do the things you do that make me fall in love with you," opening her eyes once more, she stared her wife in the eyes as her voice got softer. "Dakota, are you in love with me too?"

Jamie was left utterly speechless. It was the first time she had heard Ashley's voice so rhythmic and intense and yet calm and subdued at the same time. This wasn't a new song she wanted to show off, she had wanted Jamie to listen... but why?

"Ash..."

"By the time she opens up her eyes, she sings to me at night she's singing, Ba da ba ba bada ba ba da..." She continues, her voice softer and sounding more and more as if she was about to cry. It made Jamie worried, but she didn't say anything and let her continue. "Oh Dakota, I know our love is true..."

Setting her guitar down, she entwined her fingers with Jamie's and scoot closer to her, smiling and closing her eyes as she gently placed her forehead on her wife's.

"I barely know ya, but I'm so in love with you."

"Ashley..."

"It's the way you do the things you do, that make me fall in love with you."

Opening her glossy eyes and staring into Jamie's awestruck expression, she slowly let go of her hands and moved her own up to her wife's baby bump concealed by her shirt. Being careful, her thumbs lovingly caressed her belly. Stifling a sob as she kissed Jamie's forehead followed by her lips, she softly sang the last stanza.

"Dakota, im in love with you, are you in love with me too?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the song Ashley is singing (her voice is on spot, so is her playing) to Jamie~. I HIGHLY recommend listening to this as you read the last part of the chapter, it'll add a lot to the scene.: https://youtu.be/U3JKYoQb_KM


	7. Conspiracy

 

 

> _Where can I turn? 'Cause I need something more_  
>  _Surrounded by uncertainty, I'm so unsure_  
>  _Tell me why I feel so alone_  
>  _'Cause I need to know to whom do I owe_

* * *

 

"I told you dad, we aren't sure yet."  
"I know Ash, but I can't help just ask! This is a big moment in your life, honey."  
"I know, I know. I promise, once I find it out you'll be the first to know!"  
"Promise me, Nashville?"  
"I promise dad."  
"Alright then. I'll let you go, don't want to hold you up. Tell Jay I love her and such."  
"Will do!"  
"Bye honey."  
"Bye dad."

"Every time I hear him call you that, it makes me cringe." Jamie speaks up with a laugh as she dries the dishes and stacks them neatly on the counter.

"Oh hush it, Jay!" Ashley said as she playfully shoved her, helping her stack the dishes into the cupboards.

Seeing as Jamie was now steadily into her 2nd trimester, 18 weeks to be exact, she found herself being a lot more active than she usually was. She'd offer to help as much as she could with cooking and cleaning, working hard at her job, and doing her best to just stay as active as possible. It was almost like an itch; she felt like she had to constantly be busy or she'd go into a self-loathing bout of mood swings. Seems like morning sickness was now replaced with unpredictable changes in her mood.  
Other than that, Jamie has been slowly getting used to being pregnant. It was still scary to think of what the end of it would be like, what with labor and childbirth and all, but she was excited at the same time.

"What'd dad say?"  
"Well, he asked about how you were doing, asked if we knew the sex of the baby--  
"Again?"  
Ashley chuckled, "yes, again."

Jamie smiled, glad to finally have a supportive father figure in her life. Her biological father left when she was younger and hasn't been a part of her life. It hurt to think about, but her father-in-law made her feel like she was his own daughter. It made her fill that void in her life.

She could only shake her head at her father-in-laws impatience as she rolled her black and blue sleeves back down. 

"He's so dumb sometimes." She said with a slightly playful tone in her voice. She walked past her wife and laid down on the couch, kicking her feet up.

"He's just excited, honey bee." Ash said as she finished setting the last few dishes up into the cabinet and looked over at her.

"I know, but he asks every time he calls! It gets annoying but its kinda charming when you-- Ah!"

Jamie yelped out in surprise, her hands instinctively pressed on her firm baby bump.

"Oh!! Is it doing it again?" Ashley's eyes lit up, running excitedly to her wife and placing her hands on Jamie's stomach and smiling. "Hi sweetie!! Are you joining in on the conversation?"

Jamie felt her face flush, looking away sheepishly as she bit her lip. Her heart racing as she relished in the feeling of Ash giving her body so much attention. She was just rubbing her belly, but any attention to her body made her libido spike violently. 

According to Cam and their doctor, this was completely normal due to the hormones. It was annoying since it randomly hit her out of nowhere at times, sometimes having her and Ashley take the whole day for their personal time.

"You really like to interrupt your mommy, don't ya?" Ashley giggled, kissing her wife's stomach and smiling as she lay on the couch besides her.

"C-cmon... It gets annoying when it always kicks me..." Jamie said with a soft tone and looking away as she tried to hide the obvious blush across her face.

"Will you stop being so dismissive about it?" Ashley giggled, resting her head on her wife's chest. "Besides, have you thought about names yet?"

"Names?" Jamie asked as she gave her wife a questionable glance.

"Yeah, when we find out the sex of the baby. Have you thought of what you want to name it? Or him? Or her?"

"Ugh, you're starting to sound like your dad." Jamie said with a slight laugh, resting her hands on her belly as she stared at the ceiling.

"And you sound like you haven't given it a single thought ~."

"Well, yeah," Jamie started, "we don't know if its a girl or boy."

"So? Just started throwing out names. We can choose one for both sexes that way we at least have some planned out." Ashley said as she propped herself up on her elbow, one of her hands still pleasantly rubbing Jamie's pregnant belly.

"Uh... I don't know..." Jamie tried her hardest to ignore her raging hormones towards her wife's presence. "Maybe Chris? If it's a boy?"

"...Chris? Really?"

"What?"

"That's such a generic name! Why not have some fun with it?"

"It's a child, not a book Ashley." Jamie scoffed.

"I know that, but that doesn't mean we can't give our future troublemaker a unique name! Like Jasmine or Francine! Oh! Or Michelangelo!" Ashley gave her wife an excited grin, moving her hand up from Jamie's belly to her chest.

Crossing her legs and biting her lip as her breathing begins to get heavy, Jamie slowly looks into Ashley's eyes.

"Ash..."

"What? What's wrong? You don't like those names?" She started to notice her wife's heavy breathing and red face. "Are you ok? Your face is awfully red..." She placed her hand on her cheek.

Unable to control herself any longer, Jamie grabbed Ashley's shoulders and pulled her closer, kissing her lips and gracing her fingers through her wife's chestnut hair. Her body twitching with excitement as they kissed, passion weighing heavily into their lips.

Caught off guard, Ashley gently pulled away so they could catch their breath.

"W-what was that for?""

I... I..."

"A-again?"

"Please? O-only if you want to..."

 

Their voices were soft and heavy with lust, breathless from kissing so unexpectedly.

"J...just a quickie... Please? I.. I really..." Jamie practically begged, wrapping her arms around Ashley's waist, kissing her neck and pulling at her wife's sweater.

"Ah.... o-ok... Just a quick one." Ashley's face went red, smiling at her wife as she gave her a romantic little smirk.

Jamie squealed with excitement at her response. Ashley gently helped her up from the couch before being dragged into the bedroom by Jamie, who closed the door behind herself.

Feeling a sudden rush of dominance, she pushed Ashley into the bed and held her by her wrists. Not hesitating, she kissed her again with lust. Her tongue slipping into her mouth as she softly moaned into their kiss.

Ashley loved being dominated, especially by Jamie because she was always so careful with her. But now they both had to be careful because they had a tiny bun in the oven that was prone to being hurt if someone made the wrong move. Not that they were too intense to begin with, what with Ashley's low pain tolerance, but a little baby was a huge factor to consider.

Pulling away from their heavy kiss, she placed her hands on her wife's cheek and stared into her eyes.

"Be gentle... and watch yourself, ok?"

Jamie nodded as she gently kissed her wife again, beginning to take her shirt off...

*******

Days and weeks went by. The coldness of winter and the new year had passed. Winter was slowly beginning to fade but it was far from spring weather. Rather, the line between the two seasons was beginning to fade into a calming mild temperature.

Now into her 20th week, Jamie was experiencing more than she bargained for. Everything from frequent odd cravings, mood swings at an all time unpredictable range, and back pain. It all was so much to handle, but to her surprise it wasn't as hard to handle as she thought.

"Ashley?"  
"Yes, love?"  
"Uh... Problem."  
"What is it honey bee?"  
"I need some help... and don't laugh."

Sighing and setting her brush down. she walked into the bathroom and stifled a laugh at her wife's "problem". Her wife seemed to be struggling with putting on her casual pair of jeans.

"Ok, ok, look," Jamie began to say, as she struggled with the button. "I know it's weird and hilarious because, 'oh this is just like pregnancy' and all that, but I really wanted to wear something other than those damn sweatpants--

"Jamie." Ashley began as she closed her eyes at her wife's attempt to back herself up. She took her hands and looked into her eyes. "You can't wear jeans. Especially if they don't fit. You'll hurt the--

"I know, I know. It'll hurt the baby and all that." Jay muttered as she slipped off her jeans and tossed them on the floor. Disappointed, she walked to their dresser and grabbed her pair of dark navy sweatpants that were accented with a single thin white stripe on the sides. After putting them on, she looked at herself in the mirror.

"Color me clichéd, but I look even fatter than usual." She muttered, placing her hands on her noticeable belly.

"Oh honey," Ashley began as she wrapped her arms around her wife's waist, placing her hands on top of Jamie's. "You're not fat. That's just baby weight."

"Oh so you think I'm fat then? Because if its baby weight, and I'm the one carrying the baby then that means I'm fat, right?" Jamie crossed her arms and scowled at herself in the mirror.

Ashley breathed a heavy sigh of 'what's the point' silently and went back to brushing her hair.

"Finish getting dressed babe. Dad wants us to be over by five for dinner."

Slipping on one of her baggy gray sweaters, she sat on the bed and rubbed her eyes.

"Can't he just come over for dinner? I don't wanna--

"Jamie." Ashley's stern voice came through clearly as she shot her wife a glare that made her silent. "We're going to dad's and that's it. He hasn't seen us since summer and he wants to see you. Just... Please do this for me, ok?"

"...Alright, alright..." Jamie responded as she looked down at the carpet.

_It's just her mood swings, just keep it relaxed..._ Ashley thought as she finished fixing herself up before grabbing her purse.

Always level-headed and the calm one in their relationship, Ashley usually never found herself getting easily irritated. Especially not from Jamie. Recently however, Jamie's mood swings have been the definition of unbearable. She was either angry, hurt, happy, or... Anything within a second. It drove Ashley crazy and she'd be lying if she said it didn't make her dizzy. Jamie was already a mess without the moodiness, but both? She wasn't sure how much she could take.  
Just keep it together... Just... Keep it together...

*******

"There's my girls!" Ashley's father, Paul, exclaimed as he hugged the two of them. "Come in, come in! Out of the cold!" He opened the door wide and helped them inside.

"Thanks dad~." Ashley smiled at her father, taking off her jacket.

"Oh there they are!" Kiefer, Paul's husband and Ashley's stepfather, happily chimed in as he tightly hugged Ashley. "How was your trip, Nash? Didn't get lost in the snow?"

"No dad, we made it alright~." she smiled as she hugged her stepfather. "It actually wasn't snowing that much outside, just a few flurries."

Jamie awkwardly stayed quiet. She never did well with meeting others, especially Ashley's parents. She loved em of course, but it still made her anxious.

"Don't think we don't see you, Jay-hay!" Paul said with a grin as he hugged his daughter-in-law. "How're you doing, dear?" He pat her back and smiled at her, hands on her shoulders.

"Ah... I'm okay." She muttered softly, giving a nervous grin.

"Oh!" Ashley took Jamie's hand, gesturing to her wife then to Kiefer, "Kieth, this is my wife Jamie. She's the one who's carrying our beautiful baby."

"A-Ash..!" Jamie gave her a softened glare, a blush obviously streaked across her face.

Kiefer and Paul stood besides one another and smiled wide. They both wrapped the two girls in another tight hug.

"We know, we know! We're so proud of you both!" The two men said with excitement. They gently let each girl go and gazed at them. "To be young and to have a baby... It must be wonderful."

Feeling the anxiety in her chest rise from Paul's words, she bit her lip and shoved her hands into her pockets. This was the kind of stuff her mother would tell her, but it was always a lot harsher.

"Have you both found out the sex of the baby yet?"

"Not yet. I keep telling you guys that we haven't gotten the results back yet!"  
"Oh Nashville! Quit being such a dork!" Kiefer laughed as he pat her back.  
"You guys are the dorks!" Ashley laughed as she gently shoved her stepfather.

"Kieth! I need your help preparing dinner!"  
"Alright Paulie, I'm comin'!"

Ashley sighed softly as she watched her fathers head into the kitchen. She turned her attention to Jamie who seemed... Lost. Blankly staring down at her feet.

"Honey bee?" She started, worry in her voice. "Are you ok?"

Jamie, snapping out of her trance, looked at her wife and gave an apprehensive smile. "Yeah, I'm ok."

"What's wrong?" Ashley took her hand.

Just as she was about to tell her, she heard her own phone start ringing. Surprised at who could be calling her (since the only people who called her were either Cam, Sammy, or coworkers), she answered.

"Hello?"

_"Hi there sweetheart!"_


	8. Curative

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***NOTE*** This chapter includes homophobia and transphobia ideals and has some sexual content at the end.

 

 

> _So take one word you said_  
>  _You put it in your bed_  
>  _You rest your tiny head on your pillow_  
>  _You wonder where you're going next_  
>  _You got your head pushed to my chest_  
>  _And now you're hoping that someone let's you in_  
>  _Well I sure'll let you in_

* * *

 

" _How are ya? It's been a while!_ "

Her heart dropped to the pit in her stomach at the voice on the other end of the line. She froze, her voice locking up and her blood ran cold.

"Jay? Who is it?" Ashley asked before going silent as Jamie looked down.

This... Was her mother. The same mother that had abused her for so many years. The mother she purposely didn't contact after moving out of Charlottesville. The mother that wasn't prosecuted because of the statue of limitations. How the hell did she get her number?  
Her common sense yelled at her to hang up and block the number, but she... Couldn't. It's been so long, maybe she was calling to make amends?

No.

That'd be too nice.

"Who is this?" Jamie finally said, her voice cold as she stared down at the floor, turning away from Ashley and her healthy family to speak to her own dysfunctional mother.

" _Oh Jamie, please don't pretend that you dont know me!_ "  
"What do you want?"  
" _I caught wind that you and Ashton are having a baby._ "

There it was. The dead name drop. Of course. That infuriated her more than the horrifying news that her mother, who she hasn't spoken to for four years, had found out about her pregnancy.

" **Ashley**. My wife's name is Ashley." She stated with a harsh tone, walking out of her father-in-laws home into the cold partially-spring-yet-still-obviously-winter weather. Not like it bothered her, bundled in her baggy sweater and thermal pants.

" _I am not having an argument with you on this, Jamie. You can believe in your sinful ways if you want, but you're having a baby! You and Ashton! I can't be more excited for--_

"How did you get this number?" She cut her off, clenching her fist as she started pacing the driveway in a furious yet panicked manner.

" _What? Am I not allowed to look my own daughter's name up on the internet? I found your band's website and your name was on it!_ "

Of course, how could she forget? Camille helped put their site together and put their names up for business inquiries. Their numbers weren't listed on their contact page though. How did...  
She found it hard to speak again, anxiety and panic constricting her chest making it hard to breathe.

" _I just wanted to call you and say that I knew this day would come!"_ her mother went on to say with false enthusiasm _. "I knew the good lord would eventually bless you with a beautiful baby! Just be sure not to be so mean and cold to your husband, you don't want to disappoint him! Or be a bad mother to your baby, dear_."

There it was. Those words. The same words that haunted her since childhood. The words that made her fear the mere thought of pregnancy. It reignited that crippling tokophobia. That monster that she thought was dead and gone. She felt so sick at the mere mention of being pregnant.

" _Now listen, I don't know what lies your husband has been telling you, but you need to stay in contact with me more, okay? I know how to raise a baby and, unlike your father, I won't abandon it. Oh how exciting! It's like a second chance at being a mother!_ "

"Jamie?"

Ashley gently placed her hand on her wife's back, taking a step back as she saw her sickly pale face. Almost as if she knew, she took the phone from her wife.

"Christina, do not ever contact my wife, do you understand me?" Her voice was a stark contrast to her normally calm and docile personality, showing a whole other brash and vitriolic side of her.

" _Oh hello Ashton! How are you honey? Still trying to convince my daughter that--_

"Do. Not. Call. This. Number. Again."

With that, Ashley hung up the phone and proceeded to block the number. She heavily sighed. Hearing her dead name stung so much, but she couldn't focus on that. She was much more concerned about her wife who seemed completely retraumatized.  
Jamie stood there, staring down at the pavement and her shoes, her eyes widened as if she was witnessing a horrible flashback of memories before her eyes. The mountain emotions if what had just happened: her mother contacting her after so long, the extreme fear of pregnancy now hammered into her once more, the fact that... Her mom knew about her pregnancy. She wanted to scream, vomit, cry, faint...

"Honey... I..."  
"Ashley, I don't..."

Jamie's voice was strained, tears welling up in her eyes as she slowly looked up at her wife. It was as if she was a paranoid child staring into a parental figures harsh glare... Even though this wasn't the case.

Ashley instinctively wrapped her arms around her. The 'how' wasn't the main thing she was worried about right now, it was the damaging emotional effect it was undoubtedly having on her.

"Honey, it's okay, yeah?" Ashley spoke in a calm and gentle tone, stroking her hair away from her face. "She won't be calling you anymore. I won't.. I wont let her ok? We can get your number changed and--

"Ashley, I.. I don't feel good." Jamie stuttered as she held onto her wife's arms.

"What's wrong? W-what hurts? Do you feel sick? Tired?"

Jamie nodded, not giving a straight answer. "I... I just... Need to lie down."

Ashley gently wrapped her arm around her wife to help steady her as they walked back into the house.

"Oh there you girls are! Dinner is done, do you girls want to eat?" Paul asked as he walked into the living room.

Jamie walked past the two of them, disappearing into the hallway with the sound of a closed door. Ashley could only sigh heavily as she ran her fingers through her hair.

"What's wrong with Jay?"

Ashley looked up at her father, hugging him before muttering in his shoulder, "her bitch of a mom just got in contact with her."

"Oh dear..." Paul said sympathetically as he hugged his daughter. "Is she the one that you both kept talking about? The homophobic woman?"

"The batshit insane one? Yeah." Ashley replied as she let go of her father and crossed her arms. "She has no respect for me or Jamie."

"What a shame." her father shook his head. "A parent needs to support their child no matter what. Not alienate them."

"That's a word for it, dad."

The room fell silent. No one in Ashley's family knew of the ramifications of Jamie's mother's actions. Or the effect it was having on her. So many months of recovering from her abuse has most likely been shut down by this one instance.

"Well, check on Jay and then come have some dinner ok?" he gave his daughter a warm smile before returning to the kitchen.

Ashley walked down the hallway, stopping at the bathroom door as she heard water running. She hesitantly knocked on the door.

"Honey bee? Are you ok?"  
"Y-yeah..."

Ashley opened the bathroom door, seeing Jamie turn off the faucet and dry her face off with the hand towel.

"Are you and the baby--  
"I said I'm fine, Ashley!"

Ashley took a step back from the doorway, taken by surprise at her wife's sudden outburst. She was used to it but this was different from normal mood swings. She sounded genuinely infuriated at Ashley's presence and honestly, she'd be lying if she said it didn't hurt.  
As Jamie walked past her, she looked away and followed.

She couldn't believe this. What was supposed to be a calm day at her parent's home was now a dysfunctional mess thanks to this horrible woman that dared take the title of a mother.

*******

The dinner at her parents, followed by the drive home, and even when they got home was silent. Dead silent. Any attempt at a conversation was shut down by Jamie. Contact with her estranged mother seemed to have completely ruined her happiness and excitement she had for their future.

As nightfall began to set, things still weren't any better. In fact, it was starting to really affect Ashley.

"Jamie sweetie? Can you do me a favor and please feed Banjo?"

Banjo was the name of their 3 year old pudgy rescued male Birman cat. He tend to be a solitary indoor cat, opting to sleep pleasantly on his cat tower perch rather than socialize with the girls. Ever since Jamie's pregnancy though, he has been more social and attached to her.

"You're already up, aren't you?" Jamie muttered as she lay on the couch, turned away from her wife and gently petting her cuddle buddy cat that laid besides her.

Ashley silently sighed, tossing her handful of mail onto the dining room table and filling his cat food bowl.

"Honey can we please talk about what happened?" She began with a soft tone as she gave him fresh water as well.

"Nothing to talk about."  
"Yes there is and you know there is."  
"Don't wanna."

Ashley walked into the living room, crossing her arms.

"Jay, I know it's eating away at you. You haven't spoken about anything since your mom--

"I don't. Want to talk about it, Ash." Jamie sat up, giving her a glare.

"You're going to have to. I know it's hard for you to open up about how you're feeling, but... I'm your wife." She gave her a worried look. "I'm here for you and I hate seeing you close off like this. It... Worries me."

"I'm... I'm fine, Ashley. I just..." Jamie looked down, groaning and placing her hand on her belly.

"See? This stress isn't good for you or the baby."

Jamie gave her a glare at the mention of their unborn child.

"Like you know what's good for me."

Hearing that seemed to pluck a string of annoyance in Ashley's chest.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"All you seem to care about is the damn baby. What about me?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Ashley looked at her wife with a dumbfounded expression.

"You only care about what's best for the baby, Ashley!" Jamie glared at her.

"That's ridiculous and you know it! I care about you _and_ our baby! If I didn't, then why am I urging you to talk to me?"

"I don't know Ashley, why don't you fuckin' ask my mother what she thinks??"

"Why the hell would I?!" Ashley took offense at that. Like hell she'd give that woman any ounce of her time for what she did to her wife. "Wait, you don't think I'm at fault for that do you?" Her expression fell to one of hurt.

"I don't know, are you?" Jamie stood up, her arms crossed and her eyes set coldly onto her wife's. "You and Cam set the website up. Maybe you snuck my number in there."

"Jamie... You really think we'd-- I'd do that to you?" Ashley's voice became soft, tears stinging her eyes at the accusation.

"I... I dont know. How the hell else would she know my phone number?"

"I don't know, honey. But I promise you, Cam and I had nothing to do with it."

"Say that now, sure."

The argument fell to a heavy silence, only being broken by the sound of Ashley crying. It made Jamie feel rather guilty. Why was she even fighting with her to begin with? All she did was ask a question and now they were engaged in a vicious argument.

"I'm.. I'm sorry I made you think that.. I'd do something like that to you..." Ashley spoke through broken silent sobs and sniffles.

Jamie let out an exasperated sigh, running her fingers through her hair as the reality of how her words affected her wife began to set in.

"Ashley... I'm sorry. I really am. I... I don't..." She looked down, lowering her arms. "I don't know what's wrong with me..."

Ashley sniffled, looking at Jamie as she listened to her.

"I know you and Cam wouldn't do that... I just... I don't..." She sat back down on the couch, resting her face in her hands. "I don't know what to think."

The silence returned, tension slightly rising and falling. Saying just one wrong thing would just ignite another argument.

"I'm scared, Ashley." She finally spoke up, not looking at her wife.

Ashley wiped some stray tears from her eyes. "What're you scared of, sweetie..?"

"Of this."

Jamie looked at her wife as she placed her hands on her belly.

"Why? I mean, why are you scared of the baby?"

"I don't..." Jamie looked back down. "I don't want to become my mom..."

"...is that why you've been so quiet and cold...?" Ashley asked softly as she knelt down in front of her wife.

"I don't want to disappoint you. I... My mom, she..." Jamie tried to ignore the screaming memories of her mother's words in her head. "I know I'm not the best person to have a baby with... F-fuck, I'm not even fit to be a good mom o-or someone to carry a baby with anyway! I mean. look at me!" She looks at Ashley, her face full of depression and self-hatred triggered by her mother's words, "I'm just some person who's afraid of having a baby because I'll be a terrible mom because I'm gay and I have n-nothing going for me and--

Jamie found herself silenced by her wife's lips meeting hers. She stared in shock and surprise at this. Ashley almost never did this, she usually would just try and talk her down from her pity and then do something to take both of their minds off of it. Something like this though, kissing her to shut her up...

Ashley slowly pulled away from her after a while, looking into her surprised eyes.

"S-sorry... I just... I thought that it might help if I showed you some affection." Gingerly, she stroked Jamie's bangs away from her face and rest her palm on her cheek. "You're far from a terrible mother. You... You're at the halfway mark, Jay. This-- our baby-- you're carrying it. You've been doing such a wonderful job."

Jamie stared at her, trying not to cry from hearing what she needed to.

"I know its hard. You've struggled with a lot and... Your mom talking to you... I know its scary. You don't deserve to hear things like that from her. You. Jay, you're a great person and I love you so much." She gives her a small smile. "I just wish I could help more... I hate seeing you this upset over it. I want to make you happy but I just don't know how. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel kinda useless when you get in bouts like this... Like I can't do anything to--

Now it was Jamie's turn. She silenced her wife with a gentle kiss. Ashley didn't even put up a fight, kissing her wife back.

Slowly, they both entwined their fingers together and relaxed more against their touch. Ashley pulled away, taking Jamie's hand and leading her into their bedroom.

"Let's just cuddle ok...? I want to just... Be in your arms tonight."

Jamie gave her a nod, crawling into their bed and laying down, wrapping her arms around Ashley as she laid down beside her.

They stared at each other for a bit before softly kissing once more... Twice... Three times.  
Soon they were kissing passionately, Ashley's nails gently gracing Jamie's body as her hands lovingly traced the contour of her cheeks. Their breathing began to get heavier, more lusty and breathless. It wasn't like this was something they asked for, having sex after emotional breakdowns and all... But christ, they deserved it after the shitty day they had.

"Ash? C-can I...?" Jamie asked as she lightly tugged at her wife's bra.

Her face lit up, shyly nodding. "Yeah, it's okay~."

Expertly, Jamie undid her wife's bra and slowly began to slide the straps down until her B cup breasts slipped out of their cups. She laid herself back onto the bed, biting her lip as she gave Jamie a submissive smile. Helping her, she took off her baggy t-shirt and tossed it aside to allow her wife more access.  
Jamie smiled at her generosity. Usually she'd have to beg her to take her shirt off, but Ashley doing it unprompted was a sign that she's been in the mood for a while now.

"Whoa, not even a , 'please touch me' begging voice? Surprising since you usually beg."

Ashley sat up on her elbows, kissing her wife as her hands began to clutch at Jamie's larger breasts. She smiled at her as Jamie bit her lip and shut her eyes, relishing in the fact that her wife became weak to her touch.

"I can say the same for you." Ashley whispered in her ear as she bit her earlobe, smiling at her wife's satisfied trembling.

Their breathing heavy with passion as they messaged each other's chest. It wasn't long before the roles reversed and Jamie now lay on her back at the mercy of Ashley. In response, Ashley grabbed one of their double-ended vibrators and crawled on top of her wife. Being careful, she leaned down and turned it on, pressing it against Jamie's underwear.

"A-aaa...~" she bit down on one of her knuckles, tightly shutting her eyes as she shuddered from the pleasure. "O-oh god..! T-that... It feels so nice~." Her voice trembled as she looked at Ashley with half-lidded eyes.

"I'm so glad." Ashley said softly as she leaned down to kiss her wife again, her tongue dancing with her wife's as they made out.

Jamie shakily moved her trembling hands down her hips and dug her nails into her back, making her moan out in pleasure while forcing her wife against the other end of the vibrator.

"J-Jay!..~ h-hhng..." Ashley hid her face into her wife's neck as she moaned in pleasure from the vibrating against her clit.

Jamie panted, holding Ashley close to her as her wife breathed on her neck, only furthering her hormones. She held Ashley closer, lowering her hand to increase the speed of their toy.

Their bodies shuddering against one another as their lips met once more, moaning and kissing with a firey passion. They both felt so close; the vibration between their legs and bodies, their hands tightly held together as their lips kept pressed against each other. The heat of their bodies, the soft moans that escaped from their voices...

Ashley let out a sharp cry of passion, holding Jamie close as she bucked her hips into the toy, pressing it harder into her and Jamie's crotch.

"F-fuck... A-Ash I..." Jamie stuttered as she pressed her forehead against Ashley's.

"I'm g-gonna...!" Ash exclaimed breathlessly as she panted.

The girls embraced, tightly hugging each other and pressed into one last kiss as they both reached their climax.  
It was intense, yet silent. A thing they both didn't like to draw attention to because it was so special between them. Something so loving and personal between them, something to not be thrown around or bragged about. Something only for them.

They relaxed against one another, their hearts racing as they held each other in an orgasmer's high. Switching off the vibrator and tossing it to the side of the bed, they lay back into the pillows.

Ashley panted silently as she stared at her wife, stroking her cheek lovingly.

"G-god I love you..."

Jamie opened her heavy eyelids, staring at her wife who lay besides her.

"I... I love you too... S-so much." Jamie said with a smile, nuzzling herself close into her wife's chest.


End file.
